Avoiding Power Struggles With Your Children
Posted: Friday, June 13, 2008
by Kathy Slattengren
Priceless Parenting
It's easy to get into power struggles with your children. However, once you learn what triggers power struggles, you can avoid them. Let's look at how to do this using a couple of examples. In the first situation, five year old Jacob has asked his mom if he can have a cookie. She's told him that he cannot have a cookie right now since dinner is in 30 minutes. He complained "You never let me have anything I want!"
- "If you have a cookie now, you won't be hungry for your dinner."
- "That's not true. I bought you an ice cream cone yesterday when we were at the store."
- "Cookies really aren't that healthy and you already had two earlier today."
- "That's sad."
- "Hmmm …."
- "I can see how you might feel that way."
In the next situation, 15 year old Emily has asked her dad if she can watch an R rated movie. Her dad has explained she needs to be at least 18 years old before he will allow her to watch an R rated movie. Emily complained "That's not fair! All my friends have already seen it."
If dad chooses any of these responses, he's setting himself up for a fight:
- "I'm not being unfair. Children should not be allowed to see R rate movies before they're 18."
- "I doubt all your friends have seen that movie and even if they have, that's no reason for you to see it."
- "If everyone else jumped off a bridge, I suppose you would too!"
Using one of these responses instead will help dad avoid an argument:
- "It's probably not fair."
- "Probably so."
- "Regardless, you won't be able to watch it."
By using a non-emotional, neutral response, the child does not have something to grab onto and argue about. The next time you're in a situation that might lead to a power struggle, try using a neutral response and save yourself energy by not arguing!
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Top-level comments on this article: (5 total)Children yes children what can we say? They are the rue joy and adventure of life. Good article.
Kathy, Excellent article. By acknowledging the feelings rather than combating the wants and needs of children, parents can defuse many battles. Thanks again.
Easiest way to avoid power struggles with children? Don't have any.LOL, too funny!
Great article, short article, and yet I can now clearly see now where I've been going horribly wrong with my now very argumentative young children! :) I'll try to remember this for the teenage years.....which apparently are quite frightening to behold.Thanks for your comment! The effort you put into developing your parenting skills when your children are young will definitely pay off when they are teenagers. After teaching parenting classes for the past 10 years, I tried to capture the best parenting techniques we found in the Priceless Parenting online course. My kids are now 15 and 12. They're making good decisions and parenting is much easier than it was when they were preschoolers.
Great article, Kathy. Welcome to SearchWarp and congrats on your Pick of the Day, first time out! I don't have children but this is a wonderful guide for parents facing power struggles with their kids.Thank you. I did not realize there was a Pick of the Day; you made my day by pointing this out!
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