Yelling at Kids in Anger
Posted: Thursday, September 24, 2009
by Kathy Slattengren
Priceless Parenting
Have you ever become frustrated with your children when they are begging you for something? If so, you can probably relate to this mom's story.
Begging for Ice Cream
One mom told me how exasperated she was while driving her 10-year-old son to Baskin Robbins to order cake for his upcoming birthday party. Her son started pleading with her to get an ice cream cone at Baskin Robbins. Mom said he couldn't have one since he had just had ice cream yesterday.
Feeling quite angry now, she yelled at him for continuing to ask after she had already told him no. By the end of her rant, he was crying. Needless to say, this wasn't exactly the pleasant outing she had envisioned.
Alternative Parenting Responses
We don't always do our best parenting in the heat of the moment. The good news is that when we realize we haven't handled a parenting situation in the ideal way, we can reflect on what happened and figure out what we would like to do differently in the future.
Sometimes we're too close to the situation or still too upset to see any alternatives. If this is the case, it can be helpful to ask other parents for ideas. It's always easier to see choices when you're not the parent involved!
What suggestions might you give this mom? Here are some possibilities:
- Repeatedly respond to each request for an ice cream cone with "What was my answer?" By using the same response, it is easier to remain calm and avoid becoming angry by arguing.
- Pull over and stop the car. Let her son know that she will be happy to continue driving just as soon as he can ride without asking for an ice cream cone.
- Give him a conditional yes: " I will be happy to buy an ice cream cone for you next Saturday if I'm not worn out from hearing you beg today."
- State what you are going to do: "I'm feeling hassled by your begging for an ice cream cone. If you beg again, I'm going to turn around and go home."
The Power of Apologizing
When we realize we've handled a parenting situation poorly, we can always apologize. Some parents are reluctant to apologize to their children fearing that it will make them appear weak. However, heart-felt apologies can actually increase children's respect for their parents.
By apologizing we are teaching that when we make mistakes we try to make amends for those mistakes. We are also modeling the process of making an apology:
- Recognizing what we have done that has hurt someone
- Expressing our regret
- Describing how we plan to handle it differently next time
When a parenting situation doesn't go quite as well as you would have liked, try apologizing. Next, look for a chance to try out your new parenting response!
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Top-level comments on this article: (4 total)Dear Kathy,
I loved your solutions to what the mother could have said. Your explanation for apologizing made me think. Thanks for writing such a clear and wise article.
Jean
I didn't like any of the suggestions....How about having a sense of humor...How about telling the child, as I used to my daughters, "No, you can't have an ice cream cone today...You had one just six months ago, and at this pace you'll get brain freeze."Then you can rub your hands together and tell the child, "Seriously, Mom/Dad doesn't have the money today, but tomorrow I'll have plenty of money and I promise to buy you the biggest ice cream cone in the world - Deal? And then when the child agrees, you let them know how responsible and mature they are and because of that you love them dearly........"Make that two ice cream cones please!"................Kenny
You gave excellent advice Kathy, and you're so right when you say it's easy to say how to handle it when you're not the parent involved. What I've witnessed frequently while shopping are parents who over react to situations and seem to want to publicly exert their authority over the child. Often the parent makes more of a scene than the child. I have to say Kenny offers some good advice as well. A sense of humour can go a long way in dealing with children. It tends to confuse kids and when they see they're not getting to you, they let it go..... sometimes. :)
Very helpful article, Kathy, on how to handle a nagging situation with a child who's fixated on what s/he wants. I'll try some of your tips...I'm a parent of three. ~mogama~
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