Children Dangerously Breaking Rules
Posted: Monday, November 15, 2010
by Kathy Slattengren
Priceless Parenting
We establish rules to help keep our kids safe. We'd all like to believe our children would make the right choice when presented with a situation like whether or not to answer the door to a stranger. But what would they really do?
What would your kids do?
Recently NBC's Dateline tested a few kids in tough situations in a program called "The Perils of Parenting". Although it wasn't a scientific test, they demonstrated how easy it is to get kids to break rules.
In one scenario, 12 and 14-year-old siblings were home alone when a man with a badge knocked on their door. Much to their parents' disappointment, they opened the door and let him in when he explained that he was in the neighborhood inspecting milk. This scenario had been used successfully by a real child predator.
Does the way you word a rule matter?
Yes! How you state a rule can greatly affect your children's ability to follow the intention of the rule. For example, there are different ways you might state the rule about not opening the door:
- "Don't open the door to strangers." For this rule, your children need to first establish if they feel the person at the door is a stranger. This may be a more difficult judgment if the person appears to be a police officer or some other official.
- "Don't open the door to anyone when you are home alone." Does this rule still apply if there are multiple children at home but no parent is home?
- "Don't open the door to anyone if a parent isn't around." Is it ok to open the door if a parent is home but asleep?
- "Only parents open the door when someone knocks." This may be the easiest rule to follow especially for young children.
What else can help ensure your kids will follow a rule?
It helps to discuss multiple "what if" scenarios in which a rule is tested. For example, if the rule is don't approach a stranger's car, talk through possibilities like these:
- What if the driver says he has a question he wants to ask you? Do you go closer to the car so you can hear the question?
- What if the lady driving says her puppy is lost and she needs your help finding it? She has a picture of the puppy that she wants to give you. Do you go get the picture?
- What if the man driving holds up a gift and says it's for you. Do you go to the car to get the gift?
How can you help kids understand the importance of a rule?
Children are more likely to correctly apply a rule when they understand why the rule is so important. For example, if the rule is you need to walk straight home from school, why does this matter? Is it ok to stop at a friend's house for just a little while? What should you tell a friend if she invites you to play on the playground for a little while before going home?
Answering questions like these can help children more deeply understand and internalize the rule.
Does social pressure affect children following rules?
Definitely! The NBC Dateline program tested this out by setting up a situation where teens were led to believe they were trying out for a reality TV show. As part of the interview, they needed to drive to another location and they believed the person chosen to drive them had been drinking. Would they get in the car with a driver they thought was intoxicated? Yes they did ... much to their parents' dismay!
Although the parents had told their teens to always call them for a ride in a situation like this, these teens did not do this. Watching a scenario like this with your teen can open up some important conversation about how difficult it is to stand up for yourself and not get into a car when you think the driver has been drinking. Discussing other options for pretend situations can help teens make better choices in real situations.
If a rule is worth having, then it's worth the time to periodically discuss it. Making sure your children understand the rule plus why it's important increases the likelihood they will follow the rule.
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Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)This subject can never be talked about too often. There are so many different scenarios that can influence whether a child will open a door - or not, whether a child will move in close to a car asking for information or looking for a lost pet; and countless other scenarios. You offer various scenarios and how children actually responded. Well written and explained; good choice of real life confrontations; offering gifts - candy, whatever, etc. In our present-day world, one can never attempt to be too safe. The most innocuous people can present the greatest harm. Thank you for writing this very important piece. You can be sure my granddaughter will get to read it. We have taught our kids that they should never get close to any car or random person; if threatened or confronted, we encourage yelling loudly, or even screaming followed by running. We've also taught them never to open any door and never to say to a phone caller, "my folks aren't here" etc. Caution and acting with a base of caution, flight, voice, avoidance are all appropriate when in doubt. One other thing we taught is that the scenario where a person wants a kid to come to the hospital where mom lies injured or has broken down in the car on the way home is the use of a secret password. The person doesn't know it, good riddance oh you who is up to no good.Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and the things you've taught your kids and grandchildren.
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