Helping Kids Control Negative Thoughts
Posted: Friday, February 11, 2011
by Kathy Slattengren
Priceless Parenting
Who will criticize your children the most as they grow up? They will! It is their own negative self-talk that they will hear most often.
Everyone’s mind produces a steady stream of thoughts. When these thoughts turn negative, fear, doubt and frustration quickly sets in. Stopping negative thoughts isn’t easy and it starts with actually noticing those thoughts.
What your children say out loud gives you insight into what they are thinking. You know they are engaging in negative self-talk when you hear things like:
- “I’m never going to get this!”
- “Nobody likes me.”
- “I can’t do it!”
Dr. Alison Arnold came to my daughter’s gymnastics center to work with the kids on the mental side of gymnastics. Like so many athletes, gymnasts need to be in control of their thoughts if they are to give their best performance.
Negative thoughts like these wreck havoc on a gymnast’s routine:
- “I’m going to mess up.”
- “She’s so much better than me.”
- “This is too hard for me.”
How can you help your children change their self-talk from negative to positive?
There is a Zen concept called the Monkey Mind. It’s the part of your brain that races from one idea to the next, chattering endlessly, craving things, being unsatisfied and judgmental. Dr. Arnold used this concept to explain negative thinking to the kids. Negative thoughts are like a naughty monkey running away instead of focusing on the task at hand.
What can you do once you notice your Monkey Mind is off in the weeds? You need to flip your negative thinking.
Dr. Arnold discussed a three step process for flipping negative thinking:
- Take a deep breath.
- Think to yourself “Stop. Relax.”
- Say something positive to yourself like “I can handle this.” or “I am strong.”
What are you saying to yourself about your kids?
It’s every bit as important to watch out for your own negative thoughts. One of the worst patterns parents can get into is continually thinking about their children’s faults.
One mom of three children complained she couldn’t stop thinking about how they really weren’t measuring up like she had hoped. Despite her children’s many achievements, she struggled to control her negative thoughts. This led to nagging them, lecturing them and pointing out where they needed to improve. However, none of her efforts seemed to change their behavior.
What you say to your children has a big impact on them. By making more positive comments, you can help them develop more positive self-talk. One way to do this is simply describing their positive behavior:
- “You sat down, got out your math book and started working on your homework.”
- “You shared the truck with your friend.”
- “You waited patiently for your turn to go down the slide.”
- “You helped set the table for dinner. I appreciate that.”
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